Funny What They Don't Tell You In Training
by Cressida Isolde
Summary: Troy has some regrets.


Troy only just remembers it, being young and dumb and full of enough self-belief to think he could pull off a long-term undercover job and come out the same at the other end.

It's funny what they don't tell you in training.

It's strange to think back on it now, like that Troy was a different person. Some kid he barely remembers with an accent that stands out like a sore thumb and a habit of smoking a cigarette or two before firearms assessments to steady his nerves.

His friends are going to Superbowl XL and he's heading to Stilwater with a badge he can't show anyone, a manufactured backstory he's barely given a second thought to, and an official, endorsed, fake ID. He hasn't had a fake ID since he was 17.

The worst thing is, this kid believes in what he's doing. He wants to _make a difference_.

Gangs aren't made up of _people_ to him, yet, they're sort of a nebulous source of crime and drugs. Sure, people are technically _involved_, and you'll need to form relationships with them to convince them you're legit. Just don't get attached to them, they're just criminals. You'll need to testify against them in court later.

Also, if you have to take drugs to maintain cover, that's okay. The kid isn't sure if he wants this to happen or not. He hasn't taken anything illegal since his 20th birthday, when he smoked a joint and took a pill that someone gave him and said it was ecstasy. That was a while ago, even then.

He's gone through so many interviews he can't keep track of them; so many practice interrogations in case he gets picked up (don't break cover around the local cops, call your operator and they'll sort it out for you); so many tests on what he has to do in _x_ situation.

He doesn't get to graduate with the rest of his class, but that's fine. They don't know what he's doing. Well, most of them. He's told two. He thinks they expect you to tell someone; how can you keep it to yourself? They just expect you to make sure whoever you tell is trustworthy. Surely. They're all law enforcement officers, what are they going to do?

Troy - older Troy - knows that being a cop doesn't mean you're default a good person. There's a lot you can do behind a badge, that you probably shouldn't be able to. The badge is in the shape of a shield, but you never really realise what it's shielding you from until you get told "yeah, this one's not going to court. Don't worry, we'll take care of it." The badge isn't going to save your life if someone wants pulls a gun on you, but if you kill someone that maybe wasn't really a threat by god it'll do it's best to keep you out of trouble. It's a shield from all these rules like due process and fair procedure and having to justify your decisions. It protects you from the law you think you're trying to uphold.

Kid-Troy doesn't know this yet, doesn't know what he's been given. He gets his graduation certificate in the mail and calls his mom. She's proud. She's so proud. She tells him his father would have been even prouder, if he just could have seen this. She tells him he's doing the right thing, but to keep in touch because she worries about him. Of course she understands if he can't, what with the new assignment and everything, but she's a woman on her own, almost in her seventies, and she loves hearing from her son and knowing he's safe. She understands if he can't talk about it, and she knows what it's like, having been married to a NYPD cop for 20 or so years.

He still doesn't call her enough.

It's been five years, almost, since - everything - happened. The day's been creeping up in his calendar for months. He tries not to think about it. To think about the stars on his jacket and the ribbons he's been awarded and how everything makes sense and he's done the right thing. He did everything he could. To everyone else, that's what it looks like.

No matter how hard he tries to believe it, though, it never quite sticks. There's too many loose ends. Too many things he didn't think of at the time. That he's thought of since.

But kid-Troy doesn't know this yet either. Doesn't know much of anything. But he will.

Troy almost feels sorry for him.


End file.
